What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

In my experience, British people are fat, ugly and arrogant. Why is it and can it be changed?

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

Why do you think it is bad to allow people to self-identify as a different gender?

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

We were not on the streets..

What is a good habit and what is bad one?

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

Has anyone ever had sex with their cousin? How did it start, and would you do it again?

He was dying to do it , i knew.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

What are you struggling with in your life? What would you like to have instead?

I did it because my mum asked me too!

She loved him until the end.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

Why do nice guys rarely or never win?

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

I have BPD. Why do I destroy everyone I love?

I think the readers, may guess!

I waited trembling.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

What's it like to have an IQ of 140 to 170? Do people notice you're different?

We all went to grammer schools

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

And i lived it daily.

What was your best unexpected reunion with your childhood best friend?

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

She married twice! .

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

Why do flat-Earthers think the Earth is flat?

But ive been too sick for many years..

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

I couldn’t, believe it.

He resisted the act ,that day.

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

But it wasn’t much.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

When she asked me how she looked .

On the 31st of Jan this month .

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

She was in good health!

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

He knew the spot.

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

I never cut or harmed myself..

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

I said to her

She wouldn,t have been !

This is soul school!.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

I don,t even have a pension.

She found it foreign!.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

Im dying but, im not bitter.

My mum and dad in the seventies!

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

Im still living with it.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

One cannot live in the past .

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

So whats the point in blame.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

But, we were locked up after school.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

I have no regrets .

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

I will be 64.

Comes on , in middle age.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

I was 9 years of age.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

So, i spoilt her more .

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

Ive learnt so much.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

I was seconnd youngest,

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

I could never make a relationship work though!

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

Who then, do I blame.?

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

My family never makes their pension either.

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

I write beautiful poetry .

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

I was very sick at this time too.

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

I was scared of men, in general

My life is so biszare .

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

Especially a lifetime of it.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

As i do to all so called friends.?

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

(And it was in our own minds.)

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

Why did i forgive my father ?

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

Would this be the day?

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

Was to survive, this bastard.

Put me off passion for life!!

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

It was going to be , some day.

What did i know ?

I had hoped to write a book about this .

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

All the time i was locked up.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.